Dimana Penghargaanmu?

Andai ku tahu
Ku takkan pernah berani
apalagi berhasrat
mengundangmu masuk ke dalam hidupku

Kini, tak ada dayaku
tak cukup mampu aku mengubur
semua tentang dirimu

Andai ku tahu
akhir dari kisah ini
adalah amarah yang terus meletup
takkan pernah ku berikan
separuh jiwaku padamu

Begitu senangnya dirimu
menorehkan luka demi luka
merendahkan semua tentang diriku
siapakah dirimu,
begitu beraninya kau menghakimiku?

Tak adakah sisa kebaikan
yang pernah tulus ku berikan?
Tak adakah secercah penghargaan
atas kasih yang tak pernah
ku tagih imbalannya?

Tolong pergi jauh
dari kehidupanku
Tinggalkan semua tentang aku
jika tak ada penghargaanmu
atas diriku

Karna tanya ini
begitu sesak di dada ini
"Dimana penghargaanmu?"

Because Of You

You’ve just come up in my life
And there's something teasing inside
Why are you so sweet in my view?

Too shy to get deeper on me
But too friendly to be ignored by me
There’s something extraordinary in you
I can feel it every time I see you

I just love the way you act
I see your sincerity in everything you do
I always like how you entertain others
You’re just so loveable

I wish someday you would know
You’ve colored my world
I wish someday you would realize
You’ve made my days full of joy

Everything that reminds me of you
Make me feel so grateful

I’m laughing, chuckling, smiling everyday
And it’s all because of you

Bayang Kelabu

Langkah ini tergesa meninggalkan bayang kelabu itu..
tapi tetap tak terelakkan, bayang itu terus mengikutiku..
Sudah lelah rasanya,
dan amarah ini mulai mendesak ku ke sudut maya..

Tanpa daya, tanpa kata..
Entah harus apa lagi,
harus bertanya pada siapa lagi,
dan harus bertahan demi apa lagi..

Siapa yang hendak memberiku jawab atas semua tanyaku ini?

Mungkin harus ku biarkan ini tetap menjadi serangkaian tanya yang tak terjawab..

Dunia tak tau apa rasanya ini..
Bahkan tak ada seorang pun yang tahu..
Tak seorang pun..

Inginku ada yang akan mengerti akan resah ini,
tanpa harus ku beritahu..

Tapi itu hanya ingin..
Ingin atau angan?
Garis tipis membatasi diantara mereka..

Percayalah hai jiwaku,
suatu saat nanti bayang kelabu itu pun akan lelah mengejarmu..

13.05.09

Ini Aku dalam Kubangan Galau

kelopak-kelopak bahagia mulai meninggalkan tangkainya...

mulai terbawa angin
terbang jauh tak tergapai

membawa pandang ini ikut dalam buaian itu,
untuk jauh meninggalkan semua tanya dan usikan
yang tak pernah lelah mengikuti raga dan jiwa ini...

duri-duri ilalang itu terus menjalar di sepanjang jalan, melukai tiap langkah yang kini mulai tertatih

ada jalan lain di seberang sana., ada suara jeritan yang menuntun langkah ke sana..

seolah tak tahan akan tiap tusukan duri yang menembus kulit, mengalirkan cairan merah pekat nan terasa pedih

namun sayang, pikiran ini tercekat...

hati ini bersuara dengan lantang, mempertahankan sebuah benih cinta yang telah tumbuh subur

telah berbuah di tanah hatiku, yang manis buahnya telah ku kecap

Dan kini aku berkubang dalam dilema dan kegalauan..

Ini terasa perih, tapi aku terlanjur cinta

12.06.09

My Confiding

Sometimes it feels hard when some parts of your life change.
When there is no more calling in midnight for instance, I feel something lost.
God I know my life is getting better without him, but I pretend if I don’t miss him.
I still feel hurt every time I see you fall in love
But when you say sorry and love recently, it still seems so hard to me to believe
Am I selfish or what? Is it fair enough for the two of us?
I don’t like being in the middle of my heart…

Do I need to hope? Again? I don’t think so... I’m too tired to hope he’ll change
Do I need to forget all about him? No, I can’t…
I’ve promised him that I’ll be still good with him.
What I gonna do then? Oh…God help me!
I’m stuck!

I wish I could remove him from my mind forever,
or at least I could convert my feeling about him,
or maybe I could wish about another solution.?! Hhmmmm
Wish I’ll have a new relationship with… ***** maybe? Hehe sounds good 
Now I’m wondering whether my wish will come true or not…

I surrender all to You, God. You know what I deserve
I also believe that You have more than thousands way to give what I deserve.

16.10.09

Six Months in Vain

I just had let him go when you unexpectedly turned up in my facebook. I was the one who chose to finish my relationship for my own good and also for his. I know he had found the better one. Though it was so hard to me to accept that condition, but I did. I struggled to pass my hard time until the first time I made a comment on your note. That was the first time I noticed you since I just knew that you are my friend’s best friend. I had ignored your comment on my status and my note for several times. I also didn’t suppose that you would call me just after you replied my comment, and one more thing that does not make sense until today is that you actually didn’t mean to call me. You just accidentally pressed the call button in my profile. Since the day you accidentally called me, I felt you became really care of me. You were the one who used to be there when I cried, felt empty, and even tried to forget my feeling about him. You were the one who gave support, strengthened me with many verses of God’s word. And finally, you got me away from my hard time successfully. I moved on. You just came into my life in the right time. You seemed as a savior to me though by the time goes the fact proofs that you was not.

A month passed, you had been a part in my life. You tried to occupy the empty place in my heart that was left by him, and I gave you the chance to. The bravest decision I ever took in my life. I gave the chance which was about my heart to someone that I didn’t exactly know who he is at that time. But yeah, you could perfectly convince me to take the risk and not to be playing save. Then my life became full of you, it was so fluctuate. I’ve had never wondered that someone over the island who is very far away from me could make my life up and down, but I couldn’t deny the fact that you did it. The days went and everything seemed good (not really good actually, but yeah at least not bad) until the day of disaster was started. It was started when you introduced your two best friends (two girls with bad attitudes and impolite behavior) at the first time. Since the day I met them, I know they didn’t really like me. They treated me good just because they respect to you (only you, not me). They looked down on me, and they considered me as a kid. They never respect to me (until today), especially the little one. In my opinion, she likes you and feels that I’ve snatched you away from her. Then disaster by disaster happened in my life, they ruined my life. I could do nothing about it because of you. I respect to you, and you meant much to me. You used to say that your friends mean everything to you. You used to look after to them though the reality proofed that they were not completely right. I think they only give a bad effect to you and your life. And, by the time goes I realized that it was not only them who ruined my life, but you also did it to me. The reality revealed who you are. You were not as good as I think when the first time I knew you. You couldn’t handle your anger, your mouth, and your egoism. You always considered that you were right, and you must be the winner. You never tried to understand what I felt. You didn’t care even want to know what I felt. The bad sides of you came up softly (one by one), but I tried to ignore them. I gave all my efforts, everything that I can do to minimize those things.

Until I felt enough for you, finally I made a decision to get myself out from that condition. I was tired enough to face those people who had ruined a half of my life. I ended what I had weaved with you for along six months. Surprisingly, you shocked and couldn’t accept my decision. What made me more surprised is that you didn’t know if there were many problems in this relationship. You thought that everything seemed so good until the decision was made. You just had realized that there were many things happened and made me hurt. You tried to fix what had been broken, and you promised everything would be better. You asked me to give some time to fix and change the condition. I felt doubt about that, but I still gave the time you need. As my prediction, it became so hard for you. You were not brave enough to choose between me and your best friends. You left your bad habits hardly. You just forced yourself to leave alcohol, nightlife, and filthy words without willingness. Although everything were so hard to fix, but three weeks later you seemed successful. Then you came to me and ask for the second chance. You said that finally you chose to leave your best friends and cut all your bad habits. For you had made efforts to get the second chance, I gave you the chance. I put all my hopes and wishes together with the chance I give to you.

I thought it was the new beginning and I had expected too much from it. But the fact is that I was wrong, I was totally wrong. Just several days after you got the second chance, the final disaster happened. You become so mad with me just because of a small problem. You shouted at me, and you insult me! I can’t approve those things until today. It was only a matter of long distance which needs a well communication, but it made you explode. You had completed the wound that you made in my heart. I regretted why I must give you the second chance because actually you were not really fixed the broken. You didn’t really leave your best friends, and you felt being pressured when you couldn’t do your bad habits. I also regretted why I must open the chance for you to refill the empty place in my heart. Even I regretted why I must know you. I realize that I’ve been wasting my life, my time, even my heart for six months. You’ve made me vain for six months!

05.09.09

Thank God for Sending Me *****

I've never thought that I will meet a person like you. Since the first time I heard about you, I knew you are different. Several times we tried to meet each other, but we failed to make it until that day. The day we met for the first time when there was no doubt for you and me to know more about each other. It seems we agreed to be matched by your family. ;) Then, we start to text each other by sending devotion or even just wisdom words. I’m so blessed by your messages. From what you share to me, that enriches my spirituality. You guide me to know more about what God wants from me or what He plans for me. You help me to find what vision God gives to me and also what is my calling. When I slipped or even fell down, you were there for me not just to remind me but sometimes to rebuke me. I love to know you more as you still need much time to know more about me either.

You’re such a gift from God to me. You build my soul up in HIM by sharing your life experience with HIM and giving me books which have blessed your life. I’m grateful for the books which also bless me nowadays. You really know from where I need to learn, those books are very appropriate for my capacity. It seems like God works in my life through you. I love the way you care about me which doesn’t make me become spoiled. Since I so careless about my health, I thank God I have you now. You are always there when I get sick, and you know the best treatment for me. You try to understand my health condition and my habit which are so contrary. And since you are a doctor, nowadays I feel like I have a personal doctor in my life. You seem apart in each important aspect in my life. You always have words to strengthen me even when I’m so in blue. When I mourn of losing someone, your words can restore my smile and my hope. I thank God for having you who can support me in prayer and spirit. Thank God for sending me *****. Thanks ben, for always being near me. 

06.10.09

NEVER BORROW SORROW FOR TOMORROW

Deal only with the present
Never step into tomorrow
For GOD asks us just to trust Him
And to never borrow sorrow

For the future is not ours to know
And it may never be
Let us live and give our best

For meeting tomorrow’s trouble
Before they are even ours
Is to anticipate the Savior
And to doubt His all powers

So let us solve our problems
One by one patiently
And ask nothing for tomorrow
Except “Thy will be done”

In Memoriam

We found there are no more you today
There are only the memories of you
You’ve left us without any words left
Never wonder it’s gonna be this fast
We are gonna miss you much

Above all, we are grateful for His plan
Grateful for being with you in your last time
Grateful for your pain that has been ended
Grateful for finally you’ve been in HIM

No more tears these days, we’re all fine
Because we know you’ve been in heaven
In memoriam, our dad and our grandpa

24 September 2009

Buku Tentangnya

Buku itu akan kembali berdebu
Tersimpan rapih di kotak kosong
Di sudut hati ini

Tak akan ada lagi,
Atau lebih tepatnya
Tak boleh ada lagi
Hasrat untuk membukanya

Meski hanya sekedar untuk
Membaca rangkaian cerita
Yang telah menjadi kisah lalu
Yang mungkin kini lebih layak
Disebut kenangan

Tanpa daya, tanpa asa, dan
Tanpa ada harap sedikit pun
Ku relakan buku itu
Lekang digerogoti masa

Aku tahu lembaran-lembarannya
Akan semakin merapuh
Dan tinta-tinta yang telah tertoreh
Akan semakin memudar

Aku juga tahu pasti
Lambat laun…
Buku ini tidak hanya akan sekedar berdebu
Tapi akan tiba kesudahannya
Dimana ia juga akan menjadi debu

Tapi toh itu hanya sebuah buku..

Buku yang mencatat serangkaian kecil
Perjalanan hatiku menemukan tempat
Untuk menambatkan diri

Tak ada sesal yang mengiringi
Ketika lembar terakhir harus ku tutup

Hanya ada haru
Ketika ku sadari buku ini benar-benar
Harus tersimpan tanpa terusik lagi

27.07.09

Kelabuku

Rintik hujan masih membasahi dedaunan hijau di halaman..
Langit masih kelabu, dan matahari masih enggan menampakkan diri..
Mata ini melempar pandang, menerawang jauh keluar..
Pikiran ini masih kabur, mencoba mereka-reka..
Aku berdiri dalam sunyiku,
mencoba meyakinkan hati ini untuk tak membuka ruang harap..
Di sini aku masih sendiri,
meski begitu, tak ku biarkan hati ini melangkah lebih jauh..

03.02.09

Goresan Tanganku

Ketika matahari tak pernah lelah menghangatkan dunia,
angan ini pun menguntai sebuah harap...
Ku mau raga ini, jiwa ini, dan hati ini takkan pernah lelah menyulam benang-benang cinta...
Ketika waktu terus menemaniku dalam langkah ini,
ada segenap asa di benakku yang menjerit...
Takkan pernah ku biarkan dirinya lekang oleh sang waktu...
Dan ketika ku temukkan hatiku, aku hanya bisa tersenyum haru...
Ia tertambat di tempat yang tepat...
Ini goresan tanganku, di lembar buku kehidupanku...

22.02.09

Perempuan Bukan Perempuan

Lelah sudah hati ini melihat karyamu
Tak pernah berhenti mengiris hati ini
Sayang belatimu tak cukup tajam
Tak cukup berarti luka yang kau toreh

Sekelebat pertanyaan hinggap di pikiranku
Apa kau memang perempuan?
Apa kau tau rasanya jadi perempuan?
Dimana penghargaanmu atas bahagia milik perempuan lain?

Pernahkah ku rampas bahagiamu?
Adakah yang ku rebut darimu?
Haruskan rasa ini menjadi korban karenamu?

Selayaknya patahan tulang rusuk itu menjadi pelengkap dan penolong
Dan tahukah kau bahwa patahan itu adalah makhluk yang dinamakan perempuan?

Ragamu perempuan, tapi hatimu tak pantas disebut hati perempuan
Lidahmu terlalu tajam dan kotor untuk ditempatkan dalam mulut seorang perempuan

Bukan maksud hati untuk menghakimi
Tapi itu penghakiman yang kau ciptakan sendiri
Penghakiman yang terlukis dari caramu bercakap
Dan terbingkai dari caramu bersikap

Apa yang telah kau tabur, ku pastikan itu yang akan kau tuai

Kau...makhluk yang terpaksa ku sebut perempuan

18.07.09

TIME

Time isn't measured by the years that you live
But by the deeds that you do and the joy that you give
And each day as it comes
Bring a chance to each one to love to the fullest
Leaving nothing undone
That would brighten the life or lighten the load of some weary traveler
Lost on life's road
So what does it matter
How long we may live
If as long as we live
We unselfishly give