Mengapa Kita Bertemu
Bila Akhirnya Dipisahkan
Mengapa Kita Berjumpa
Tapi Akhirnya Dijauhkan
Kau Bilang Hatimu Aku
Nyatanya Bukan Untuk Aku
Bintang Di Langit Nan Indah
Dimanakah Cinta Yg Dulu
Masihkah Aku Disana
Di Relung Hati Dan Mimpimu
Andaikan Engkau Disini
Andaikan Tetap Denganku
Aku Hancur Ku Terluka
Namun Engkaulah Nafasku
Kau Cintaku Meski Aku
Bukan Di Benakmu Lagi
Dan Kuberuntung
Sempat Memilikimu...
Engkau Mengatakan
Merindukan Diriku Lagi
Ingin Ku Sampaikan
Ku Tak Hanya Sekedar Itu...
27.12.09
19.12.09
Wish you’ll read it…
I don’t know any way to tell you about this, so I’ll just write it. Wish you’ll read it…
It’s been awhile since everything about us was ended. Honestly, nothing is so terrible that I can’t handle. Over all, everything is fine. Hmm, there is only one question which comes up in my mind recently. When I contemplate this question, I find that it’s not as simple as I wonder. It’s complicated enough to be answered because I cannot recognize what I feel todays… ughh…poor me. Why I can’t totally escape from you? That is the question, the annoying one. I don’t say I want to turn back to you. I just couldn’t care less about you. I’m still on my prayer which you are in. Even though I never think or wish that you’ll care about it, I do it because I want to. Every time I want to remind you, my heart holds back. It tells me that I don’t deserve to do that, so I just pray. You’re not my happiness. I’m still happy without you, and my life seems better when we’re not together. However, I cannot pretend that I want you, still want you… It’s such a very ironic fact that I’ve ever had in my life. Dang it! I want to stop hoping about the miracle, but my heart tells not to. I don’t know why I really believe that someday the miracle will happen though it maybe happens not for me to get back. If I have to be honest with you or even with myself, I could tell that I want your feeling about me will be still the same. I know I’m selfish. I want you, but I couldn’t accept the way you are. God, please forgive me for having this selfish thought. It seems like I always have problems with your thoughts, your life, and your surroundings. But, the truth says something different. It says that no matter how hurt those things torture me, I’ll still long for you. Now I’m wondering whether I’m going insane. I’m a person who cannot escape from someone who is terrible enough in my view. Is it normal? I don’t think so, but yeah that has trapped me day by day. It’s complicated enough, rite? I don’t know what I need to do to face this strange part of life, except keep wishing the miracle to happen. Yeah, I admit that I still want you. I’m tired enough hearing people who says that I pretend to be careless about you. Hufft!
It’s been awhile since everything about us was ended. Honestly, nothing is so terrible that I can’t handle. Over all, everything is fine. Hmm, there is only one question which comes up in my mind recently. When I contemplate this question, I find that it’s not as simple as I wonder. It’s complicated enough to be answered because I cannot recognize what I feel todays… ughh…poor me. Why I can’t totally escape from you? That is the question, the annoying one. I don’t say I want to turn back to you. I just couldn’t care less about you. I’m still on my prayer which you are in. Even though I never think or wish that you’ll care about it, I do it because I want to. Every time I want to remind you, my heart holds back. It tells me that I don’t deserve to do that, so I just pray. You’re not my happiness. I’m still happy without you, and my life seems better when we’re not together. However, I cannot pretend that I want you, still want you… It’s such a very ironic fact that I’ve ever had in my life. Dang it! I want to stop hoping about the miracle, but my heart tells not to. I don’t know why I really believe that someday the miracle will happen though it maybe happens not for me to get back. If I have to be honest with you or even with myself, I could tell that I want your feeling about me will be still the same. I know I’m selfish. I want you, but I couldn’t accept the way you are. God, please forgive me for having this selfish thought. It seems like I always have problems with your thoughts, your life, and your surroundings. But, the truth says something different. It says that no matter how hurt those things torture me, I’ll still long for you. Now I’m wondering whether I’m going insane. I’m a person who cannot escape from someone who is terrible enough in my view. Is it normal? I don’t think so, but yeah that has trapped me day by day. It’s complicated enough, rite? I don’t know what I need to do to face this strange part of life, except keep wishing the miracle to happen. Yeah, I admit that I still want you. I’m tired enough hearing people who says that I pretend to be careless about you. Hufft!
12.12.09
Terlalu Mudah Goyah
Terlalu mudah goyah, itulah gambaran diriku yang sedang ku renungkan hari-hari ini. Ingin rasanya, menertawakan diriku. Lucu, bahakan untuk pikiranku sendiri. Aku senang sekali menjatuhkan diriku pada lubang itu…lubang kecewa lebih tepatnya. Padahal ada pepatah berkata: keledai saja tidak jatuh di lubang yang sama untuk kedua kalinya, tapi aku? Untuk kesekian kalinya aku berharap dan akhirnya jatuh dalam kekecewaan, tapi untuk kesekian kalinya juga Tuhan kirim seorang penolong. Seseorang yang kian hari kian membuatku berpikir…apa dia malaikat? Mengapa selalu ada ketika aku sedang apa-apa?
Ya, itulah kehidupan. Pada satu bagian, ada aku yang selalu berharap bahwa kamulah yang akan menjadi bahagiaku, meski sampai saat ini tak pernah ku temukan bahagia itu darimu. Di bagian yang lain, ada dia yang begitu tulus, yang selalu ada dalam setiap kekecewaan dan sakitku.
Sepertinya bodoh ya? Malah berharap pada orang yang tak mempedulikan keadaanku (perasaanku), padahal ada orang yang peduli sekali akan bahagia yang patut diraih oleh perasaanku. Yah..itulah diriku, terlalu mudah terbawa hanyut angan-angan semu. Ingin rasanya bisa menyadarkan diriku bahwa harapanku untukmu itu hanyalah angan semu yang tak tergapai. Ingin rasanya menghancurkan kebodohanku.
Masih butuh perjuangan memang, untuk bisa mewujudkan semua inginku itu.
Mungkin satu hal yang kini bisa dilakukan sebagai langkah awal adalah mengalihkan harapanku darimu kepada dia. Cukup adil bukan?
Ya, itulah kehidupan. Pada satu bagian, ada aku yang selalu berharap bahwa kamulah yang akan menjadi bahagiaku, meski sampai saat ini tak pernah ku temukan bahagia itu darimu. Di bagian yang lain, ada dia yang begitu tulus, yang selalu ada dalam setiap kekecewaan dan sakitku.
Sepertinya bodoh ya? Malah berharap pada orang yang tak mempedulikan keadaanku (perasaanku), padahal ada orang yang peduli sekali akan bahagia yang patut diraih oleh perasaanku. Yah..itulah diriku, terlalu mudah terbawa hanyut angan-angan semu. Ingin rasanya bisa menyadarkan diriku bahwa harapanku untukmu itu hanyalah angan semu yang tak tergapai. Ingin rasanya menghancurkan kebodohanku.
Masih butuh perjuangan memang, untuk bisa mewujudkan semua inginku itu.
Mungkin satu hal yang kini bisa dilakukan sebagai langkah awal adalah mengalihkan harapanku darimu kepada dia. Cukup adil bukan?
Why you choose this way?
I am wondering why...
Why you stand on this way?
Why you haven’t found another one?
Why you choose to be alone?
When I let go of you
I let you go with a sincere wish
I wish you’ll find the better one
The one who will be your happiness
Now you are totally free
But you still stay with your singleness
Completely catch my worry
Am I still your happiness?
Dear God…
May I wish once again?
I wish I could find the answer
Someday and somehow
May it won’t be the sad one
Why you stand on this way?
Why you haven’t found another one?
Why you choose to be alone?
When I let go of you
I let you go with a sincere wish
I wish you’ll find the better one
The one who will be your happiness
Now you are totally free
But you still stay with your singleness
Completely catch my worry
Am I still your happiness?
Dear God…
May I wish once again?
I wish I could find the answer
Someday and somehow
May it won’t be the sad one
25.11.09
A New Comer
A Saturday night at cinema brought me an unexpected man
When there was no hope for those special coming
I lifted up my soul to keep enjoying the ordinary night
When my fellows came and tried to warm the cold soul of mine
Then I found him; the unexpected man came along with them
A simple gesture made me let him know my name
A shaking hands still didn’t made any interest of him
He was very ordinary I thought, even less than ordinary
No expectation I can made, just got ahead of him
‘Till the movie had done, and the dinner’s time came
Fortunately, something happened in a comfy dinner conversation
I tried to digest every single word were dropped by him
Led my previous thought out of my head, and caught the new one
It was; ‘What a sophisticated man who is speaking in front of me’
The way he spoke has caught my attention
So, don’t blame me if I become admiring him these days
The new comer in my days…
When there was no hope for those special coming
I lifted up my soul to keep enjoying the ordinary night
When my fellows came and tried to warm the cold soul of mine
Then I found him; the unexpected man came along with them
A simple gesture made me let him know my name
A shaking hands still didn’t made any interest of him
He was very ordinary I thought, even less than ordinary
No expectation I can made, just got ahead of him
‘Till the movie had done, and the dinner’s time came
Fortunately, something happened in a comfy dinner conversation
I tried to digest every single word were dropped by him
Led my previous thought out of my head, and caught the new one
It was; ‘What a sophisticated man who is speaking in front of me’
The way he spoke has caught my attention
So, don’t blame me if I become admiring him these days
The new comer in my days…
20.11.09
Corat-coret
Beberapa jam yang lalu, gw membuka inbox hp dengan maksud menyortir beberapa sms yang sekiranya bisa gw hapus *coz ga penting-penting amat* demi mengefektifkan memori hp gw… sms pertama , kedua, ketiga... yang ini bolehlah dihapus, yang ini dihapus juga aja… detik-detik awal penghapusan sms pun berlalu… hingga tibalah gw di sebuah sms dari nomor yang begitu gw kenal dan sengaja tidak gw masukkin ke contacts gw *scr ud hafal jg*…sebuah sms yang gw terima beberapa minggu lalu, dan cukup menggelitik hati gw ketika tadi gw baca ulang… tapi demi menyelamatkan perasaan gw dari suasana “mellow”, gw kembali ke konsentrasi untuk menghapus sms (jiaahhh lebay ah ngapus sms aja butuh konsentrasi)…delete…delete…and delete…banyak juga ternyata tumpukan sms ga penting di inbox gw…ckckckck… yang cuma nanyain “lw kuliah ga, ngel?”, “gw ud di kls neh, lw dmn?”, “tgs grammar hlm brp ya, ngel?”…ckckckck…pantes inbox gw penuh…*ok lanjut*…lalu gw bertemu kembali dengan beberapa sms *kali ini lebih dari satu* dari nomor yang tadi gw sebutkan di atas (nomor mentari lebih tepatnya)…namun kali ini, gw kurang bisa menghandle hati gw yang mulai beriak-riak ketika mata ini mulai membaca dan otak ini mulai mencerna barisan tulisan yang ada di dlm sms-sms itu… tanpa disadari bibir ini mulai bergumam “ya Tuhan, so sweet banget si smsnya (nya di sini refers to someone lah ya), jadi kangen dia” *pletak*… untungnya, otak ini cepat bereaksi…mengirim respon melalui saraf-saraf motorik gw untuk segera menggerakkan jemari ini menutup sms itu…dan satu lagi yang dilakukan oleh otak gw sebagai langkah tepat…mensugesti hati gw untuk segera menghapus setiap rasa yang datang dari masa lalu, yang kini mulai merasuki hati gw kembali…dan akhirnya, kegiatan menghapus sms pun dilanjutkan…makin ke bawah, koq gw ga menemukan sms yang pantas untuk dihapus lagi ya?...ya iyalah ya, secara tuw sms-sms datang dari orang-orang yang cukup penting dimana isi smsnya sendiri juga penting…mata ini mulai bosan memandangi layar hp, tanpa bisa menemukan sms lain yang sekiranya bisa dihapus demi menambah kapasitas “free memory” hp gw yang terancam akan menjadi full sebentar lagi…tik…tik…tik…waktu berdetik tak mungkin bisa ku hentikan *pletak*… lho koq jadi nyanyi?… maksud gw, tik..tik..tik.. waktu berdetik dan berlalu dalam suasana yang semakin membosankan… makin ga jelas deh nih jatohnya, kegiatan yang gw lalukan…hmmm =.=…jari ini terus menekan tombol next…sms demi sms pun dilewati…dan…*jeng jeng!* Gw ketemu lagi sama deretan sms *kali ini smsnya dalam jumlah yang lebih banyak* yang datangnya dari no mentari itu…namun sayang sekali, pada kesempatan kali ini otak gw tidak bisa berbuat apa-apa…hanya bisa membiarkan hati gw beraksi, yang dengan bebas merdeka mulai mempersilahkan masuk setiap rasa yang datang dari masa lalu…setiap rasa yang bagaikan aliran air yang tak terbendung dan mulai membanjiri hati gw (akan lebih baik mungkin, kalau di dalam hati gw dibangun banjir kanal timur kali ye)…dari bibir ini pun mulai meluncur kalimat “koq semua sms ini jadi begitu berarti ya kalau dibacanya sekarang? Perasaan dulu biasa aja” ; “Kenapa ya dulu gw ga bisa meresponi semua sms ini dengan cara yang benar ya? Emang orang kalau lagi esmosi eh maksud gw emosi, semuanya jadi jelek di pandangan mata, padahal si ga jelek-jelek amat sebenernya (lho? Berarti pada dasrnya emang jelek dun?) jadi sebenernya dulu itu harusnya bisa dipertahankan dun ya?”…aaarrrggghhhh ini tanda-tanda hati gw sudah mulai terserang penyakit “mellow” akut!...yah begitulah keadaan hati gw yang bisa dilaporkan, hingga berita ini diturunkan… *pletak* hadoh kenapa jadi kaya siaran berita? *ngok ngok*okeh deh…satu kesimpulan yang gw dapet dari kegiatan ini…bila hendak melakukan kegiatan ini lagi, hendaknya tidak membuka sms-sms di masa lampau terutama dari nomor-nomor tanpa nama (sengaja ga dikasi nama coz biasanya berhubungan dengan kejadian-kejadian tak terlupakan di masa lampau, selain juga karna gw udah hafal si hoho)… and the end… +.+
17.11.09
In My Struggles
When you have nothing
But you have to do something
Indeed, it’s a great thing
What will come up in your mind?
Go back and leave it, or what?
In weeks, I struggled with this
Till’ something came up in my heart
Maybe I have nothing
But it doesn’t mean I have no one
There is one who’ll never
Let me work and walk alone
He promises me a beautiful thing
Surely, He is with me always
And He is the one who makes me capable
To finish this till’ the end
Seemed like there is a torch
Lit the darkest side of my heart
It returned my hope and faith
And encouraged me to grow them up
These days, when I look back
To my hard struggles
Do you know what I find?
His faithful love which never end in my life
But you have to do something
Indeed, it’s a great thing
What will come up in your mind?
Go back and leave it, or what?
In weeks, I struggled with this
Till’ something came up in my heart
Maybe I have nothing
But it doesn’t mean I have no one
There is one who’ll never
Let me work and walk alone
He promises me a beautiful thing
Surely, He is with me always
And He is the one who makes me capable
To finish this till’ the end
Seemed like there is a torch
Lit the darkest side of my heart
It returned my hope and faith
And encouraged me to grow them up
These days, when I look back
To my hard struggles
Do you know what I find?
His faithful love which never end in my life
7.11.09
You hold on, then you’ll be shattered
I know what’s on your mind
I know what desire you try to hide
I know what’s in your deepest heart
I know you want him
You hold on, keep everything as a secret
You think you successfully cover it
But the fact says that you don’t
You only successfully lie to yourself
I’m not as stupid as you think
My thought isn’t as narrow as yours
I know exactly that you really want
What I get and what I have
You want him, your best friend,
(My boyfriend)
You’re so selfish
You‘re so cynical
You destroy my happiness
Something that you haven’t got ‘till today
Yes, you are successful in breaking my relationship
But one thing for sure, you are failed in reaching what you want
You still cannot have a relationship with him
What a poor girl?
In your egoism lies a fear
You don’t want him to be owned
But in the same time,
You don’t have courage to declare your love
Just keep holding on,
Then someday you’ll find yourself
Has been shattered
5.11.09
Aku Belajar Darimu
Betapa ku tak mengerti arah pikiranmu
Jauh di dalam dirimu tersimpan satu misteri
Tak tergapai isi hatimu
Tak ada yang bisa ku buat
Terlalu rapat kau tutup suara hatimu
Bisiknya pun tak dapat ku raih
Jangan salahkan aku kalau aku mereka-reka
Mau tidak mau pikiranku bermain
Seberapapun kau mencoba
mengombang-ambingkan perasaanku
Tapi maaf, kau tak dapat jangkau hatiku
Aku tak serapuh yang kau kira
Sadarkah dirimu?
Semua kata-katamu telah berbalik arah
menjatuhkan dirimu ke titik paling bawah
Ternyata, keangkuhanmu lebih besar
daripada isi kepalamu
Maaf kalau aku terlalu sarkastik
Tapi untuk yang satu ini,
aku belajar darimu...
Jauh di dalam dirimu tersimpan satu misteri
Tak tergapai isi hatimu
Tak ada yang bisa ku buat
Terlalu rapat kau tutup suara hatimu
Bisiknya pun tak dapat ku raih
Jangan salahkan aku kalau aku mereka-reka
Mau tidak mau pikiranku bermain
Seberapapun kau mencoba
mengombang-ambingkan perasaanku
Tapi maaf, kau tak dapat jangkau hatiku
Aku tak serapuh yang kau kira
Sadarkah dirimu?
Semua kata-katamu telah berbalik arah
menjatuhkan dirimu ke titik paling bawah
Ternyata, keangkuhanmu lebih besar
daripada isi kepalamu
Maaf kalau aku terlalu sarkastik
Tapi untuk yang satu ini,
aku belajar darimu...
A Friend is
...the sunshine of life
...like oxygen, we need it to live
...so special, value it!
...the one who walks in when the rest of world walk out
...someone who knows all about you and still likes you
...the person who understands your past,
believes in your future,
and accept you the way you are
...better than a kin, as he/she shares nothing
but your pain and pleasure
...like oxygen, we need it to live
...so special, value it!
...the one who walks in when the rest of world walk out
...someone who knows all about you and still likes you
...the person who understands your past,
believes in your future,
and accept you the way you are
...better than a kin, as he/she shares nothing
but your pain and pleasure
24.10.09
Dimana Penghargaanmu?
Andai ku tahu
Ku takkan pernah berani
apalagi berhasrat
mengundangmu masuk ke dalam hidupku
Kini, tak ada dayaku
tak cukup mampu aku mengubur
semua tentang dirimu
Andai ku tahu
akhir dari kisah ini
adalah amarah yang terus meletup
takkan pernah ku berikan
separuh jiwaku padamu
Begitu senangnya dirimu
menorehkan luka demi luka
merendahkan semua tentang diriku
siapakah dirimu,
begitu beraninya kau menghakimiku?
Tak adakah sisa kebaikan
yang pernah tulus ku berikan?
Tak adakah secercah penghargaan
atas kasih yang tak pernah
ku tagih imbalannya?
Tolong pergi jauh
dari kehidupanku
Tinggalkan semua tentang aku
jika tak ada penghargaanmu
atas diriku
Karna tanya ini
begitu sesak di dada ini
"Dimana penghargaanmu?"
Ku takkan pernah berani
apalagi berhasrat
mengundangmu masuk ke dalam hidupku
Kini, tak ada dayaku
tak cukup mampu aku mengubur
semua tentang dirimu
Andai ku tahu
akhir dari kisah ini
adalah amarah yang terus meletup
takkan pernah ku berikan
separuh jiwaku padamu
Begitu senangnya dirimu
menorehkan luka demi luka
merendahkan semua tentang diriku
siapakah dirimu,
begitu beraninya kau menghakimiku?
Tak adakah sisa kebaikan
yang pernah tulus ku berikan?
Tak adakah secercah penghargaan
atas kasih yang tak pernah
ku tagih imbalannya?
Tolong pergi jauh
dari kehidupanku
Tinggalkan semua tentang aku
jika tak ada penghargaanmu
atas diriku
Karna tanya ini
begitu sesak di dada ini
"Dimana penghargaanmu?"
23.10.09
Because Of You
You’ve just come up in my life
And there's something teasing inside
Why are you so sweet in my view?
Too shy to get deeper on me
But too friendly to be ignored by me
There’s something extraordinary in you
I can feel it every time I see you
I just love the way you act
I see your sincerity in everything you do
I always like how you entertain others
You’re just so loveable
I wish someday you would know
You’ve colored my world
I wish someday you would realize
You’ve made my days full of joy
Everything that reminds me of you
Make me feel so grateful
I’m laughing, chuckling, smiling everyday
And it’s all because of you
And there's something teasing inside
Why are you so sweet in my view?
Too shy to get deeper on me
But too friendly to be ignored by me
There’s something extraordinary in you
I can feel it every time I see you
I just love the way you act
I see your sincerity in everything you do
I always like how you entertain others
You’re just so loveable
I wish someday you would know
You’ve colored my world
I wish someday you would realize
You’ve made my days full of joy
Everything that reminds me of you
Make me feel so grateful
I’m laughing, chuckling, smiling everyday
And it’s all because of you
17.10.09
Bayang Kelabu
Langkah ini tergesa meninggalkan bayang kelabu itu..
tapi tetap tak terelakkan, bayang itu terus mengikutiku..
Sudah lelah rasanya,
dan amarah ini mulai mendesak ku ke sudut maya..
Tanpa daya, tanpa kata..
Entah harus apa lagi,
harus bertanya pada siapa lagi,
dan harus bertahan demi apa lagi..
Siapa yang hendak memberiku jawab atas semua tanyaku ini?
Mungkin harus ku biarkan ini tetap menjadi serangkaian tanya yang tak terjawab..
Dunia tak tau apa rasanya ini..
Bahkan tak ada seorang pun yang tahu..
Tak seorang pun..
Inginku ada yang akan mengerti akan resah ini,
tanpa harus ku beritahu..
Tapi itu hanya ingin..
Ingin atau angan?
Garis tipis membatasi diantara mereka..
Percayalah hai jiwaku,
suatu saat nanti bayang kelabu itu pun akan lelah mengejarmu..
13.05.09
tapi tetap tak terelakkan, bayang itu terus mengikutiku..
Sudah lelah rasanya,
dan amarah ini mulai mendesak ku ke sudut maya..
Tanpa daya, tanpa kata..
Entah harus apa lagi,
harus bertanya pada siapa lagi,
dan harus bertahan demi apa lagi..
Siapa yang hendak memberiku jawab atas semua tanyaku ini?
Mungkin harus ku biarkan ini tetap menjadi serangkaian tanya yang tak terjawab..
Dunia tak tau apa rasanya ini..
Bahkan tak ada seorang pun yang tahu..
Tak seorang pun..
Inginku ada yang akan mengerti akan resah ini,
tanpa harus ku beritahu..
Tapi itu hanya ingin..
Ingin atau angan?
Garis tipis membatasi diantara mereka..
Percayalah hai jiwaku,
suatu saat nanti bayang kelabu itu pun akan lelah mengejarmu..
13.05.09
Ini Aku dalam Kubangan Galau
kelopak-kelopak bahagia mulai meninggalkan tangkainya...
mulai terbawa angin
terbang jauh tak tergapai
membawa pandang ini ikut dalam buaian itu,
untuk jauh meninggalkan semua tanya dan usikan
yang tak pernah lelah mengikuti raga dan jiwa ini...
duri-duri ilalang itu terus menjalar di sepanjang jalan, melukai tiap langkah yang kini mulai tertatih
ada jalan lain di seberang sana., ada suara jeritan yang menuntun langkah ke sana..
seolah tak tahan akan tiap tusukan duri yang menembus kulit, mengalirkan cairan merah pekat nan terasa pedih
namun sayang, pikiran ini tercekat...
hati ini bersuara dengan lantang, mempertahankan sebuah benih cinta yang telah tumbuh subur
telah berbuah di tanah hatiku, yang manis buahnya telah ku kecap
Dan kini aku berkubang dalam dilema dan kegalauan..
Ini terasa perih, tapi aku terlanjur cinta
12.06.09
mulai terbawa angin
terbang jauh tak tergapai
membawa pandang ini ikut dalam buaian itu,
untuk jauh meninggalkan semua tanya dan usikan
yang tak pernah lelah mengikuti raga dan jiwa ini...
duri-duri ilalang itu terus menjalar di sepanjang jalan, melukai tiap langkah yang kini mulai tertatih
ada jalan lain di seberang sana., ada suara jeritan yang menuntun langkah ke sana..
seolah tak tahan akan tiap tusukan duri yang menembus kulit, mengalirkan cairan merah pekat nan terasa pedih
namun sayang, pikiran ini tercekat...
hati ini bersuara dengan lantang, mempertahankan sebuah benih cinta yang telah tumbuh subur
telah berbuah di tanah hatiku, yang manis buahnya telah ku kecap
Dan kini aku berkubang dalam dilema dan kegalauan..
Ini terasa perih, tapi aku terlanjur cinta
12.06.09
My Confiding
Sometimes it feels hard when some parts of your life change.
When there is no more calling in midnight for instance, I feel something lost.
God I know my life is getting better without him, but I pretend if I don’t miss him.
I still feel hurt every time I see you fall in love
But when you say sorry and love recently, it still seems so hard to me to believe
Am I selfish or what? Is it fair enough for the two of us?
I don’t like being in the middle of my heart…
Do I need to hope? Again? I don’t think so... I’m too tired to hope he’ll change
Do I need to forget all about him? No, I can’t…
I’ve promised him that I’ll be still good with him.
What I gonna do then? Oh…God help me!
I’m stuck!
I wish I could remove him from my mind forever,
or at least I could convert my feeling about him,
or maybe I could wish about another solution.?! Hhmmmm
Wish I’ll have a new relationship with… ***** maybe? Hehe sounds good
Now I’m wondering whether my wish will come true or not…
I surrender all to You, God. You know what I deserve
I also believe that You have more than thousands way to give what I deserve.
16.10.09
When there is no more calling in midnight for instance, I feel something lost.
God I know my life is getting better without him, but I pretend if I don’t miss him.
I still feel hurt every time I see you fall in love
But when you say sorry and love recently, it still seems so hard to me to believe
Am I selfish or what? Is it fair enough for the two of us?
I don’t like being in the middle of my heart…
Do I need to hope? Again? I don’t think so... I’m too tired to hope he’ll change
Do I need to forget all about him? No, I can’t…
I’ve promised him that I’ll be still good with him.
What I gonna do then? Oh…God help me!
I’m stuck!
I wish I could remove him from my mind forever,
or at least I could convert my feeling about him,
or maybe I could wish about another solution.?! Hhmmmm
Wish I’ll have a new relationship with… ***** maybe? Hehe sounds good
Now I’m wondering whether my wish will come true or not…
I surrender all to You, God. You know what I deserve
I also believe that You have more than thousands way to give what I deserve.
16.10.09
Six Months in Vain
I just had let him go when you unexpectedly turned up in my facebook. I was the one who chose to finish my relationship for my own good and also for his. I know he had found the better one. Though it was so hard to me to accept that condition, but I did. I struggled to pass my hard time until the first time I made a comment on your note. That was the first time I noticed you since I just knew that you are my friend’s best friend. I had ignored your comment on my status and my note for several times. I also didn’t suppose that you would call me just after you replied my comment, and one more thing that does not make sense until today is that you actually didn’t mean to call me. You just accidentally pressed the call button in my profile. Since the day you accidentally called me, I felt you became really care of me. You were the one who used to be there when I cried, felt empty, and even tried to forget my feeling about him. You were the one who gave support, strengthened me with many verses of God’s word. And finally, you got me away from my hard time successfully. I moved on. You just came into my life in the right time. You seemed as a savior to me though by the time goes the fact proofs that you was not.
A month passed, you had been a part in my life. You tried to occupy the empty place in my heart that was left by him, and I gave you the chance to. The bravest decision I ever took in my life. I gave the chance which was about my heart to someone that I didn’t exactly know who he is at that time. But yeah, you could perfectly convince me to take the risk and not to be playing save. Then my life became full of you, it was so fluctuate. I’ve had never wondered that someone over the island who is very far away from me could make my life up and down, but I couldn’t deny the fact that you did it. The days went and everything seemed good (not really good actually, but yeah at least not bad) until the day of disaster was started. It was started when you introduced your two best friends (two girls with bad attitudes and impolite behavior) at the first time. Since the day I met them, I know they didn’t really like me. They treated me good just because they respect to you (only you, not me). They looked down on me, and they considered me as a kid. They never respect to me (until today), especially the little one. In my opinion, she likes you and feels that I’ve snatched you away from her. Then disaster by disaster happened in my life, they ruined my life. I could do nothing about it because of you. I respect to you, and you meant much to me. You used to say that your friends mean everything to you. You used to look after to them though the reality proofed that they were not completely right. I think they only give a bad effect to you and your life. And, by the time goes I realized that it was not only them who ruined my life, but you also did it to me. The reality revealed who you are. You were not as good as I think when the first time I knew you. You couldn’t handle your anger, your mouth, and your egoism. You always considered that you were right, and you must be the winner. You never tried to understand what I felt. You didn’t care even want to know what I felt. The bad sides of you came up softly (one by one), but I tried to ignore them. I gave all my efforts, everything that I can do to minimize those things.
Until I felt enough for you, finally I made a decision to get myself out from that condition. I was tired enough to face those people who had ruined a half of my life. I ended what I had weaved with you for along six months. Surprisingly, you shocked and couldn’t accept my decision. What made me more surprised is that you didn’t know if there were many problems in this relationship. You thought that everything seemed so good until the decision was made. You just had realized that there were many things happened and made me hurt. You tried to fix what had been broken, and you promised everything would be better. You asked me to give some time to fix and change the condition. I felt doubt about that, but I still gave the time you need. As my prediction, it became so hard for you. You were not brave enough to choose between me and your best friends. You left your bad habits hardly. You just forced yourself to leave alcohol, nightlife, and filthy words without willingness. Although everything were so hard to fix, but three weeks later you seemed successful. Then you came to me and ask for the second chance. You said that finally you chose to leave your best friends and cut all your bad habits. For you had made efforts to get the second chance, I gave you the chance. I put all my hopes and wishes together with the chance I give to you.
I thought it was the new beginning and I had expected too much from it. But the fact is that I was wrong, I was totally wrong. Just several days after you got the second chance, the final disaster happened. You become so mad with me just because of a small problem. You shouted at me, and you insult me! I can’t approve those things until today. It was only a matter of long distance which needs a well communication, but it made you explode. You had completed the wound that you made in my heart. I regretted why I must give you the second chance because actually you were not really fixed the broken. You didn’t really leave your best friends, and you felt being pressured when you couldn’t do your bad habits. I also regretted why I must open the chance for you to refill the empty place in my heart. Even I regretted why I must know you. I realize that I’ve been wasting my life, my time, even my heart for six months. You’ve made me vain for six months!
05.09.09
A month passed, you had been a part in my life. You tried to occupy the empty place in my heart that was left by him, and I gave you the chance to. The bravest decision I ever took in my life. I gave the chance which was about my heart to someone that I didn’t exactly know who he is at that time. But yeah, you could perfectly convince me to take the risk and not to be playing save. Then my life became full of you, it was so fluctuate. I’ve had never wondered that someone over the island who is very far away from me could make my life up and down, but I couldn’t deny the fact that you did it. The days went and everything seemed good (not really good actually, but yeah at least not bad) until the day of disaster was started. It was started when you introduced your two best friends (two girls with bad attitudes and impolite behavior) at the first time. Since the day I met them, I know they didn’t really like me. They treated me good just because they respect to you (only you, not me). They looked down on me, and they considered me as a kid. They never respect to me (until today), especially the little one. In my opinion, she likes you and feels that I’ve snatched you away from her. Then disaster by disaster happened in my life, they ruined my life. I could do nothing about it because of you. I respect to you, and you meant much to me. You used to say that your friends mean everything to you. You used to look after to them though the reality proofed that they were not completely right. I think they only give a bad effect to you and your life. And, by the time goes I realized that it was not only them who ruined my life, but you also did it to me. The reality revealed who you are. You were not as good as I think when the first time I knew you. You couldn’t handle your anger, your mouth, and your egoism. You always considered that you were right, and you must be the winner. You never tried to understand what I felt. You didn’t care even want to know what I felt. The bad sides of you came up softly (one by one), but I tried to ignore them. I gave all my efforts, everything that I can do to minimize those things.
Until I felt enough for you, finally I made a decision to get myself out from that condition. I was tired enough to face those people who had ruined a half of my life. I ended what I had weaved with you for along six months. Surprisingly, you shocked and couldn’t accept my decision. What made me more surprised is that you didn’t know if there were many problems in this relationship. You thought that everything seemed so good until the decision was made. You just had realized that there were many things happened and made me hurt. You tried to fix what had been broken, and you promised everything would be better. You asked me to give some time to fix and change the condition. I felt doubt about that, but I still gave the time you need. As my prediction, it became so hard for you. You were not brave enough to choose between me and your best friends. You left your bad habits hardly. You just forced yourself to leave alcohol, nightlife, and filthy words without willingness. Although everything were so hard to fix, but three weeks later you seemed successful. Then you came to me and ask for the second chance. You said that finally you chose to leave your best friends and cut all your bad habits. For you had made efforts to get the second chance, I gave you the chance. I put all my hopes and wishes together with the chance I give to you.
I thought it was the new beginning and I had expected too much from it. But the fact is that I was wrong, I was totally wrong. Just several days after you got the second chance, the final disaster happened. You become so mad with me just because of a small problem. You shouted at me, and you insult me! I can’t approve those things until today. It was only a matter of long distance which needs a well communication, but it made you explode. You had completed the wound that you made in my heart. I regretted why I must give you the second chance because actually you were not really fixed the broken. You didn’t really leave your best friends, and you felt being pressured when you couldn’t do your bad habits. I also regretted why I must open the chance for you to refill the empty place in my heart. Even I regretted why I must know you. I realize that I’ve been wasting my life, my time, even my heart for six months. You’ve made me vain for six months!
05.09.09
Thank God for Sending Me *****
I've never thought that I will meet a person like you. Since the first time I heard about you, I knew you are different. Several times we tried to meet each other, but we failed to make it until that day. The day we met for the first time when there was no doubt for you and me to know more about each other. It seems we agreed to be matched by your family. ;) Then, we start to text each other by sending devotion or even just wisdom words. I’m so blessed by your messages. From what you share to me, that enriches my spirituality. You guide me to know more about what God wants from me or what He plans for me. You help me to find what vision God gives to me and also what is my calling. When I slipped or even fell down, you were there for me not just to remind me but sometimes to rebuke me. I love to know you more as you still need much time to know more about me either.
You’re such a gift from God to me. You build my soul up in HIM by sharing your life experience with HIM and giving me books which have blessed your life. I’m grateful for the books which also bless me nowadays. You really know from where I need to learn, those books are very appropriate for my capacity. It seems like God works in my life through you. I love the way you care about me which doesn’t make me become spoiled. Since I so careless about my health, I thank God I have you now. You are always there when I get sick, and you know the best treatment for me. You try to understand my health condition and my habit which are so contrary. And since you are a doctor, nowadays I feel like I have a personal doctor in my life. You seem apart in each important aspect in my life. You always have words to strengthen me even when I’m so in blue. When I mourn of losing someone, your words can restore my smile and my hope. I thank God for having you who can support me in prayer and spirit. Thank God for sending me *****. Thanks ben, for always being near me.
06.10.09
You’re such a gift from God to me. You build my soul up in HIM by sharing your life experience with HIM and giving me books which have blessed your life. I’m grateful for the books which also bless me nowadays. You really know from where I need to learn, those books are very appropriate for my capacity. It seems like God works in my life through you. I love the way you care about me which doesn’t make me become spoiled. Since I so careless about my health, I thank God I have you now. You are always there when I get sick, and you know the best treatment for me. You try to understand my health condition and my habit which are so contrary. And since you are a doctor, nowadays I feel like I have a personal doctor in my life. You seem apart in each important aspect in my life. You always have words to strengthen me even when I’m so in blue. When I mourn of losing someone, your words can restore my smile and my hope. I thank God for having you who can support me in prayer and spirit. Thank God for sending me *****. Thanks ben, for always being near me.
06.10.09
NEVER BORROW SORROW FOR TOMORROW
Deal only with the present
Never step into tomorrow
For GOD asks us just to trust Him
And to never borrow sorrow
For the future is not ours to know
And it may never be
Let us live and give our best
For meeting tomorrow’s trouble
Before they are even ours
Is to anticipate the Savior
And to doubt His all powers
So let us solve our problems
One by one patiently
And ask nothing for tomorrow
Except “Thy will be done”
Never step into tomorrow
For GOD asks us just to trust Him
And to never borrow sorrow
For the future is not ours to know
And it may never be
Let us live and give our best
For meeting tomorrow’s trouble
Before they are even ours
Is to anticipate the Savior
And to doubt His all powers
So let us solve our problems
One by one patiently
And ask nothing for tomorrow
Except “Thy will be done”
In Memoriam
We found there are no more you today
There are only the memories of you
You’ve left us without any words left
Never wonder it’s gonna be this fast
We are gonna miss you much
Above all, we are grateful for His plan
Grateful for being with you in your last time
Grateful for your pain that has been ended
Grateful for finally you’ve been in HIM
No more tears these days, we’re all fine
Because we know you’ve been in heaven
In memoriam, our dad and our grandpa
24 September 2009
There are only the memories of you
You’ve left us without any words left
Never wonder it’s gonna be this fast
We are gonna miss you much
Above all, we are grateful for His plan
Grateful for being with you in your last time
Grateful for your pain that has been ended
Grateful for finally you’ve been in HIM
No more tears these days, we’re all fine
Because we know you’ve been in heaven
In memoriam, our dad and our grandpa
24 September 2009
Buku Tentangnya
Buku itu akan kembali berdebu
Tersimpan rapih di kotak kosong
Di sudut hati ini
Tak akan ada lagi,
Atau lebih tepatnya
Tak boleh ada lagi
Hasrat untuk membukanya
Meski hanya sekedar untuk
Membaca rangkaian cerita
Yang telah menjadi kisah lalu
Yang mungkin kini lebih layak
Disebut kenangan
Tanpa daya, tanpa asa, dan
Tanpa ada harap sedikit pun
Ku relakan buku itu
Lekang digerogoti masa
Aku tahu lembaran-lembarannya
Akan semakin merapuh
Dan tinta-tinta yang telah tertoreh
Akan semakin memudar
Aku juga tahu pasti
Lambat laun…
Buku ini tidak hanya akan sekedar berdebu
Tapi akan tiba kesudahannya
Dimana ia juga akan menjadi debu
Tapi toh itu hanya sebuah buku..
Buku yang mencatat serangkaian kecil
Perjalanan hatiku menemukan tempat
Untuk menambatkan diri
Tak ada sesal yang mengiringi
Ketika lembar terakhir harus ku tutup
Hanya ada haru
Ketika ku sadari buku ini benar-benar
Harus tersimpan tanpa terusik lagi
27.07.09
Tersimpan rapih di kotak kosong
Di sudut hati ini
Tak akan ada lagi,
Atau lebih tepatnya
Tak boleh ada lagi
Hasrat untuk membukanya
Meski hanya sekedar untuk
Membaca rangkaian cerita
Yang telah menjadi kisah lalu
Yang mungkin kini lebih layak
Disebut kenangan
Tanpa daya, tanpa asa, dan
Tanpa ada harap sedikit pun
Ku relakan buku itu
Lekang digerogoti masa
Aku tahu lembaran-lembarannya
Akan semakin merapuh
Dan tinta-tinta yang telah tertoreh
Akan semakin memudar
Aku juga tahu pasti
Lambat laun…
Buku ini tidak hanya akan sekedar berdebu
Tapi akan tiba kesudahannya
Dimana ia juga akan menjadi debu
Tapi toh itu hanya sebuah buku..
Buku yang mencatat serangkaian kecil
Perjalanan hatiku menemukan tempat
Untuk menambatkan diri
Tak ada sesal yang mengiringi
Ketika lembar terakhir harus ku tutup
Hanya ada haru
Ketika ku sadari buku ini benar-benar
Harus tersimpan tanpa terusik lagi
27.07.09
Kelabuku
Rintik hujan masih membasahi dedaunan hijau di halaman..
Langit masih kelabu, dan matahari masih enggan menampakkan diri..
Mata ini melempar pandang, menerawang jauh keluar..
Pikiran ini masih kabur, mencoba mereka-reka..
Aku berdiri dalam sunyiku,
mencoba meyakinkan hati ini untuk tak membuka ruang harap..
Di sini aku masih sendiri,
meski begitu, tak ku biarkan hati ini melangkah lebih jauh..
03.02.09
Langit masih kelabu, dan matahari masih enggan menampakkan diri..
Mata ini melempar pandang, menerawang jauh keluar..
Pikiran ini masih kabur, mencoba mereka-reka..
Aku berdiri dalam sunyiku,
mencoba meyakinkan hati ini untuk tak membuka ruang harap..
Di sini aku masih sendiri,
meski begitu, tak ku biarkan hati ini melangkah lebih jauh..
03.02.09
Goresan Tanganku
Ketika matahari tak pernah lelah menghangatkan dunia,
angan ini pun menguntai sebuah harap...
Ku mau raga ini, jiwa ini, dan hati ini takkan pernah lelah menyulam benang-benang cinta...
Ketika waktu terus menemaniku dalam langkah ini,
ada segenap asa di benakku yang menjerit...
Takkan pernah ku biarkan dirinya lekang oleh sang waktu...
Dan ketika ku temukkan hatiku, aku hanya bisa tersenyum haru...
Ia tertambat di tempat yang tepat...
Ini goresan tanganku, di lembar buku kehidupanku...
22.02.09
angan ini pun menguntai sebuah harap...
Ku mau raga ini, jiwa ini, dan hati ini takkan pernah lelah menyulam benang-benang cinta...
Ketika waktu terus menemaniku dalam langkah ini,
ada segenap asa di benakku yang menjerit...
Takkan pernah ku biarkan dirinya lekang oleh sang waktu...
Dan ketika ku temukkan hatiku, aku hanya bisa tersenyum haru...
Ia tertambat di tempat yang tepat...
Ini goresan tanganku, di lembar buku kehidupanku...
22.02.09
Perempuan Bukan Perempuan
Lelah sudah hati ini melihat karyamu
Tak pernah berhenti mengiris hati ini
Sayang belatimu tak cukup tajam
Tak cukup berarti luka yang kau toreh
Sekelebat pertanyaan hinggap di pikiranku
Apa kau memang perempuan?
Apa kau tau rasanya jadi perempuan?
Dimana penghargaanmu atas bahagia milik perempuan lain?
Pernahkah ku rampas bahagiamu?
Adakah yang ku rebut darimu?
Haruskan rasa ini menjadi korban karenamu?
Selayaknya patahan tulang rusuk itu menjadi pelengkap dan penolong
Dan tahukah kau bahwa patahan itu adalah makhluk yang dinamakan perempuan?
Ragamu perempuan, tapi hatimu tak pantas disebut hati perempuan
Lidahmu terlalu tajam dan kotor untuk ditempatkan dalam mulut seorang perempuan
Bukan maksud hati untuk menghakimi
Tapi itu penghakiman yang kau ciptakan sendiri
Penghakiman yang terlukis dari caramu bercakap
Dan terbingkai dari caramu bersikap
Apa yang telah kau tabur, ku pastikan itu yang akan kau tuai
Kau...makhluk yang terpaksa ku sebut perempuan
18.07.09
Tak pernah berhenti mengiris hati ini
Sayang belatimu tak cukup tajam
Tak cukup berarti luka yang kau toreh
Sekelebat pertanyaan hinggap di pikiranku
Apa kau memang perempuan?
Apa kau tau rasanya jadi perempuan?
Dimana penghargaanmu atas bahagia milik perempuan lain?
Pernahkah ku rampas bahagiamu?
Adakah yang ku rebut darimu?
Haruskan rasa ini menjadi korban karenamu?
Selayaknya patahan tulang rusuk itu menjadi pelengkap dan penolong
Dan tahukah kau bahwa patahan itu adalah makhluk yang dinamakan perempuan?
Ragamu perempuan, tapi hatimu tak pantas disebut hati perempuan
Lidahmu terlalu tajam dan kotor untuk ditempatkan dalam mulut seorang perempuan
Bukan maksud hati untuk menghakimi
Tapi itu penghakiman yang kau ciptakan sendiri
Penghakiman yang terlukis dari caramu bercakap
Dan terbingkai dari caramu bersikap
Apa yang telah kau tabur, ku pastikan itu yang akan kau tuai
Kau...makhluk yang terpaksa ku sebut perempuan
18.07.09
TIME
Time isn't measured by the years that you live
But by the deeds that you do and the joy that you give
And each day as it comes
Bring a chance to each one to love to the fullest
Leaving nothing undone
That would brighten the life or lighten the load of some weary traveler
Lost on life's road
So what does it matter
How long we may live
If as long as we live
We unselfishly give
But by the deeds that you do and the joy that you give
And each day as it comes
Bring a chance to each one to love to the fullest
Leaving nothing undone
That would brighten the life or lighten the load of some weary traveler
Lost on life's road
So what does it matter
How long we may live
If as long as we live
We unselfishly give
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